How it is done in Kyiv

More or less in her own words, this is what my very attractive and stylish friend T. told me today.

'Ektually I'm still feeling really pissed off over the f----ing police yesterday. I was driving down Khreshchatik and I pulled up at a pedestrian crossing [Editor's note: A few nice Ukrainian drivers, like T., actually do this from time to time]. Then I heard sirens and saw lights flashing, it was one of the presidential police escort cars with some chicken-shit minister. So I couldn't move out the way without killing a few pedestrians, so they had to wait until they had crossed. Then at the next traffic lights they pulled alongside of me, made me stop, and said 'We're confiscating your car [Editor's note: a large luxury 4x4] and your licence, you're not fit to drive'.

'So I said to them ,'What is this, you wanted me to run over people to let you through? OK you have a choice. I have a $120,000 car here, the sort you'd like and will never have in a million years, and that's why you stop me. OK so you can take my car and licence and within two days you will all be fired. I know all the right people - believe me, if I have car like this I can spare $5,000 to get you all fixed. Or, you can give me back my documents and f--- off'.

'So they thought they would play tough, they were making phone calls and they wouldn't give way and I wouldn't give way. After an hour the local police chief comes up, I know him very well. He says 'Look, T., the presidential police are bastards, I don't have authority over them'. I told him how I had threatened these assholes, I gave him $100 and said, look, tell them I mean what I say, and get me my documents back. So he did - two f----ing hours it wasted of my time.

'So this morning I was talking to [and she named a very influential person] and he was laughing and saying 'But T., why didn't you just phone me?' And I told him 'Look, I'm a big girl now, if I can't fix stupid things like this myself, I might as well give up on everything'. Ektually it made me even angrier than those f---ing police.'

Rejected

The office where I work is located in a block owned by a State-allied gas corporation. Yet whilst two such organisations have been raided by State Security over the past few days, no-one has even waved a toy pistol in our foyer. I feel vaguely affronted - surely our lads were at least as innovative and enterprising as those in Naftogaz?